Stuff, and other stuff.

Dealing with pride...

2011-05-24T15:12:00.002-04:00

This is the best post I've read on dealing with pride in a long time. Maybe it's just the right timing, but the last time I felt like this after reading about pride was when I read Mere Christianity for the first time. (C.S. Lewis' chapter on pride was revolutionary in my mind.)

Anyway, check out this post from David Santistevan:

http://www.davidsantistevan.com/2011/05/pride/

Thoughts that are way too deep for midnight...

2011-05-01T23:59:00.002-04:00

Osama bin Laden was killed tonight.

"Twitterverse" and the "blogosphere" or whatever they're called are lit up with exultant rejoicing over his death. A crowd of tourists (and probably residents) are gathered in the street across from the White House chanting "USA" and singing God Bless America and the National Anthem.

I don't think I can clearly state very well what I'm thinking and feeling right now. I just know that I'm heading to bed after watching Obama's speech with a very heavy heart.

This is going around on Twitter:
"Remember, Beloved, God has no pleasure in the death of the wicked. Ezekiel 18:23"
And then a pastor I follow and respect posted this:
"Don't let anyone's misinterpretation of isolated scriptures make you feel guilty about rejoicing in the triumph of good over evil."

And my heart is just heavy. So many have died because of one person's evil actions. That one person is dead, but the evil actions won't stop. We live in a fallen world, and we are broken people.

Yes, rejoice in the triumph of good over evil! But is this what it really looks like?

I guess I just don't want to be the kind of person who ever rejoices over someone dying who didn't know Jesus.

Anticipation.

2011-04-23T23:15:00.003-04:00

Can't sleep. My alarm will go off in less than 5 hours.

Anticipation is a funny thing, the way it throws us off.

I'm counting down the days until Josh moves back, and I get to physically be with my love. I'm counting down the days until we vow to love each other forever, and I have to do a lot of paperwork to change my name. :)

In less than 5 hours, I get up to prepare for the rest of our Easter services.

I keep thinking about what anticipation is like in heaven.
Those two dark days on earth, when all of heaven were on the edge of their seats....
These long days, when the bride of Christ being prepared...

In a few hours we celebrate the culmination of one anticipation. May I never forget to anticipate...

2011 will be a big year!

2011-02-20T16:33:00.003-05:00

I was just thinking about what God spoke to me last year about 2010. He told me it was going to be a year of purification, and that it would be a launching pad of sorts for the rest of my life.

Clearly the most obvious interpretation of that is my relationship with Josh. We fell in love, decided to get married, started wedding planning, and got engaged last year (yes, in that order). So cool the way God dropped that in my heart before Josh and I had even admitted to ourselves that we had feelings for each other.

I feel like God is telling me that 2011 will be a year of breakthrough for me. Obviously I don't know exactly what that means...any picture I had in my head of what 2010 would look like was blown out of the water in the best possible way... :)

There are two pretty big ways I'm going to try to walk out a year of breakthrough:

1) Discipline. I think discipline is required for breakthrough, and it's something I've been lacking in my life lately. I'm mostly talking about physical stuff....eating well, regulating my sleeping habits, that kind of thing.
2) Being more conscious of my spirituality. This might sound weird, but it kind of flows out of the first one. When I'm not disciplined, my flesh is in control...and so that's the realm that I spend most of my time in. I think that's drastically holding me back from my potential in relationships, ministry, etc.

And of course, I'm getting married. :) Pretty excited for that one! I sometimes wish planning my wedding could be my full time job. There's soooo much to do, and it's so much fun!

Anyway, there's my "year naming" blog. Prayers are always appreciated...I don't want to do anything halfway!

Wedding Blog

2011-02-12T00:13:00.002-05:00

Ok, it's been a ridiculously long time since I last blogged. Apparently twitter is making it difficult for me to form full-paragraph-length thoughts. Sorry about that.

Anyway, since it's been sooooo long, I'm not going to try to do any kind of recap. Those are kind of dumb anyway. We'll just move forward. I'm not promising to actually write more regularly, although I would like to. I'm trying to keep up with writing and homework and reading and stuff in a bunch of other places, and so...this one might suffer a bit.

But that actually leads me to the reason for this post! Josh and I have started a wedding blog! Ok, I started it. And I'm not sure if he'll actually ever post anything, but he does have access. So whatever.

Check it out! There's only one post up there right now, but I promise more will follow (I cannot, however, promise with what regularity these posts will occur). We'll be posting updates on the planning process, stuff we're learning, and video introductions of (hopefully) the whole wedding party. Do yourself a favor and watch those. I just got the link for the first one, which will be up soon, and it's hysterical.

Anyway, go here:
http://theschneewedding.blogspot.com/

The end.

Honestly!

2010-08-10T16:43:00.002-04:00

I am not an expert on relationships. I've never been in a healthy relationship before Josh, and we've only been together for a little over 4 months.

That being said, I want to share something I'm learning.

I've always been a person who values honesty. Sometimes to a fault. I'm not easily embarrassed, and I don't find very many things awkward. But I also used this as a defense mechanism. If I was ridiculously honest, somehow I felt more safe and less vulnerable. Weird, I know.

But that doesn't compare to what I've learned about being honest in the last 4 months. If I had to pick one thing I valued most at the moment about my relationship with Josh, it would be honesty. (Love doesn't count...too broad. =] ) I was talking to Wendy about some things we were working through, and she said that she's worked with couples who have been married for many years who aren't as honest with each other as we are. It's created such a safety and security in our relationship that I really don't think I could do life without.

The bottom line is, I've chosen to be honest. It started with the smallest things. Little feelings we didn't like that we chose to share, even though we could have easily brushed them under the carpet. That led to bigger, more important things that we chose to share. Some of them were so uncomfortable, and potentially very hurtful...but we chose forgiveness.

...that's a whole other blog, for another time. :)

In conclusion, choose honesty. Doesn't matter who it is, what the circumstances, or the potential consequences. God honors truth, and He will honor you.

Harvest Cry 2010

2010-06-21T18:20:00.003-04:00

Last night after the last Harvest Cry service was over, and everyone who wanted to be baptized was, I sat down and looked around the sanctuary. I looked over at Marv and said "it's over...I don't know what to do with myself. Who am I?"

All jokes aside, Gerry and I found ourselves at the diner that night dreaming with Johannes about next year already.

How can you not? 156 salvations (before Sunday night's service, so we'll see...), 50 something people healed, 40 something water baptisms, and at least 40 baptisms in the Holy Spirit (we didn't do a very good job getting the number on those). This is pretty addicting.

Quite a few times during the week, I found myself thinking back to last year. I was so burned out by the event that I could barely participate in all of the life change. I was just waiting for it to be over. This year I'm not only a healthier person, but I actually (kind of by accident and at the last minute) ended up in a position that makes much more sense with my personality and giftings.

I don't think I have a point to this....other than my heart feels so full, and I haven't written here in awhile. Seemed to be an appropriate time for a new blog. :)

to love with everything...

2010-05-31T10:02:00.002-04:00

Do you ever stop to think about those words?

Love God with all your heart,
all your soul,
all your mind,
all your strength.

Everything.

Everything means nothing is excluded, nothing is left out. Every part of me, with every ounce of energy, every thought and action. All love.

Well that does not happen.

We toss around those words so easily...or at least I do (other people are usually nicer than me, so they probably don't).

I love you with everything.

I love...with everything.

What would that even look like?

What life are you waiting for?

2010-05-25T15:37:00.002-04:00

Every now and again when I'm having a really busy/stressful/difficult day, I have this feeling where I kind of just want to run away.

I'm starting to wonder if these feelings of "I have to get away" are partially because I'm focused on the wrong things.

I've known incredible young leaders with tons of potential that suddenly back off and say they started too quickly and need more time. Could it be because they weren't willing to face the disillusionment that their vision wasn't really God's?

Is my vision really God's?

What life am I waiting for?

I only have a few years to fight for God's Kingdom.

"This is the only time in history when I get to fight for God. This is the only part of my eternal story when I am actually in the battle. Once I die, I'll be in celebration mode in a glorified body in a whole different set of circumstances. But this is my limited window of opportunity, and I'm going to fight the good fight for all I'm worth."
~Joni Eareckson Tada

What life am I waiting for?

Today

2010-04-30T13:29:00.003-04:00

Friday, April 30th is a special day.

Today is the day I complete (and break!) my 40 day fast. It feels like it was only a week, and at the same time it feels like I haven't eaten in a year. God amazes me even more than He did before.

I was reading Leviticus this morning (catching up on the 1 year chronological Bible that I started in April...haha) and God talks A LOT about purification. Some of you may remember that He told me this is a year for Him to purify me. I think that's mostly what the super long fast was about. I have some thoughts about it, but I haven't quite thought through them enough to put them here yet. Maybe soon.

Today is also special because I have now been Josh's girlfriend for one month.

Ready, all together now...

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Ok, now that we've gotten that out of the way, I'm going to finish getting ready to hang out with him.

: )

Thought.

2010-04-17T10:36:00.001-04:00

I happened upon this thought awhile ago....in a podcast or something, I think.

"The solution to our culture of consumerism is to teach the next generation to be producers...creators."

Haven't been able to get away from it. I've got to figure out how to do this.

40 days

2010-04-01T01:08:00.002-04:00

40 days is a long time.

For those of you who don't already know, God asked me to do a 40 day fast. The kind where I don't eat. At all.

I love food. This is not something I'd pick to do myself, and it really fit with all of the things God is doing in me. The more I tried to figure it out and plan it, the more I heard Him say "just do it already!"

Today (it's after midnight, but I'm referring to March 31st) was day 10. Somebody I greatly respect asked me today what I'm learning. I had to think really hard....a lot harder than I liked.

I know God is teaching me and shaping me. But I keep thinking back to something Kat said before youth a few weeks ago. "Without prayer, a fast is just a diet." I feel like so far, I've basically been on a diet. Marv and I had a serious talk on Monday about how bad this could be if I don't do it right. I've cut out food, but haven't cut out any activity (if anything I've added some), and I haven't been sleeping well (yes, it's after 1am and I just finished a paper that's due...today).

For the most part, I've been attempting to avoid talking about the fast. The Bible makes it clear not to brag, and I don't want to do that. My ability to even get this far is completely dependent on God's grace, and the strength He's given me.

I'm posting this in the most public way I know because I can't do what I want to do alone.

I can't do anything about my schedule for the next few days (other than get as many nutrients as possible), but I can make a commitment starting Monday.

I'm going to spend extra time in prayer every day. I'm going to put the Bible on my ipod, and listen to it when I'm driving in my car. I want to immerse myself in God's presence at all times.

So if you see me, ask me if I've done any of that, and make sure I answer you honestly. : )

40 days isn't really that long...

Me?

2010-03-29T10:42:00.002-04:00

I remember having a conversation with Monica almost three years ago in which I told her I had multiple personalities. She laughed, and I explained. There was a strong disconnect between the me I read about in the Bible (the one God chose, the one He loves, the one who bears His image), and the me I saw in the mirror. I realized that, while I spoke truth over myself and did my best to believe it, I had removed that truth from my heart and held it at arm's length.

God has done a lot of healing in me in the area of my identity since then. This morning He did some more, and I just had to write about it.

I was reading Isaiah 62 (not sure what version). Verse 1 really struck me. The NIV says:
"For Zion's sake I will not keep silent,
for Jerusalem's sake I will not remain quiet,
till her righteousness shines out like the dawn,
her salvation like a blazing torch."

In the version I read, one of the phrases says, "I will not rest." God whispered to me, "I will not rest until I have accomplished my purposes in you. I will not stop fighting the evil one, loving you, transforming you."

I feel such a deep affirmation of who I am and where I am. I struggle so much to please God (I usually feel like I don't) and to be who He wants me to be (I usually feel like I fail miserably). It's so refreshing to have something to throw at those voices.

God is *active*....on MY behalf. Who am I?

Psalm 8:4.

For I live only to seek Your face...

2010-03-26T14:55:00.002-04:00

God is faithful.

This means that He has always been who I need. He has always been near, He has always provided for me, He has ordered my steps and arranged my life to be exactly what He wants. He has shaped me, molded me, changed me...

This also means that He will always be who I need. He will always be near, He will always provide for me, He will continue to order my steps. He will continue to change me and grow me.

No matter the uncertainty, as long as I am seeking His face, I'll be right where I belong.

"For You are faithful, oh God.
You never change. You are faithful, God.
My confidence is in Your faithfulness, not in my own faithfulness.
But my confidence is in you, God.
So here I am, Lord. In my weakness, here I am.
And I throw myself on Your faithfulness.
And I ask you, God, to bring me to the end.
Carry me with Your faithfulness."
~Misty Edwards

I'm mad at everyone

2010-03-23T07:39:00.002-04:00

Seth Godin just posted a blog with that as the title, and it's one of the coolest things I've read all week.

Totally worthy of a re-post. Or at least a link.

Check it out here!

Focus

2010-03-19T11:08:00.002-04:00

"Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things."
~Colossians 3:2

Last night I got home after around 11. It had been a long day....I haven't been sleeping well all week, and that didn't help.

The stars have been beautiful this week. A few times I've ended up laying down on my driveway and staring at the stars, until I start shivering uncontrollably. So last night I was doing this, and it reminded me of this verse.

It's such an intentional thing to set your mind on the Lord. I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to start doing it every 5 minutes, just in order to survive.

Whatever this journey He has me on....whatever the purpose for everything I go through, He has it under control. He has promised to bring good from all things.

And so I focus on Him.

Distractions

2010-03-11T00:50:00.003-05:00

Distractions come in so many forms. Some of them seem like legitimate things that we need to be paying attention to.

I fasted for the past 3 days. I feel like I woke up out of a state of distraction. Here's the focus I have regained:

God is so freaking amazing! 6 of our students got baptized in water on Sunday, and 2 got baptized in the Holy Spirit. I'm hearing tons of reports of people who feel like they finally were able to let go of things, and step out of chains that had been holding them back from God.

Our worship team is growing, both in numbers and in depth. God is pouring vision into me, and giving me such a holy confidence in Him.

God is providing for me in amazing ways. How can I doubt Him and struggle with unbelief when He is who He is?

I'm surrounded by people who are passionately pursuing God, and powerfully advancing His Kingdom. And! Those people also love me!

How did I stumble onto a life this wonderful?

I believe You will come like the rain...

2010-03-07T18:59:00.003-05:00

Tonight we were singing this song, and I realized that I don't really believe that.

Like, the deep kind of belief, in the core of my being. Nope. I have this thing where I think that God won't come through, and He'll leave me hanging when it really matters. I'm afraid to let my soul really long for Him, because then He might not be there like I need Him to be.

Messed up.

Pray? Thanks.

Update!

2010-03-05T23:02:00.003-05:00

I've started and abandoned quite a few posts since my last one. Shawna tells me I should write more, but lately it's been difficult.

But I'll try really hard, because I love her so so much.

Principles of Leadership is the coolest college class I've ever taken. I've learned so many valuable things about myself and leadership...I'm finding it pretty impossible to apply it all at once. Right now we're reading Now, Discover Your Strengths by Marcus Buckingham. Love him. Can't wait to take the strengths finder test online.

I've been listening to Jordan Seng's sermons at Bluewater Mission. It's the church in Honolulu that Chris has been going to. He told me I'd love this guy's preaching, and I definitely do. In one of the first sermons I listened to, he defended task oriented relationships brilliantly. I thought that was fun. I'd highly recommend his series on the nature of God.

God blessed me with a new laptop! I'm almost done transferring everything I need from my old computer, and then I'm giving it away. Someone offered to buy it, but I just wouldn't feel right taking any money for that thing. : )

It's amazing how God's grace works. Sometimes I feel like He probably should have slapped me in the face a long time ago, but He just keeps being nice to me. And when He reveals His love in cool new ways, it brings me to repentance much more deeply than simple punishment would have.

In conclusion, life has never been better. I'm facing greater challenges than I ever have before, I'm seeing incredible life change up close and personally, and God is using me in ways I couldn't have imagined a few years ago. No complaints.

Dad watches Fox News a lot.

2010-02-12T20:36:00.000-05:00

If I ran for president, would you vote for me?

2010, the year.

2010-01-28T20:28:00.003-05:00

For complete honesty's sake, I have to say that I'm afraid what I am about to write here is a bit lame. I read a whole bunch of blogs. Two pastors whose words I have come to love reading have recently posted about naming their years. The concept is that you give yourself a clear direction and vision for the year, based on what you feel like God is doing/saying to you. One named 2010 "the year of strong foundations", and the other "the year of strategic preparation".

I tend to have an aversion to goals. I don't know why. Maybe it's my own strange take on a fear of commitment. But I read these blogs and thought "never". Tonight, suddenly, God changed my mind.

He said, "This, 2010, is your year of purification."
This is kind of based off of this blog by Mark Batterson, which I read a few weeks ago.

I feel Him saying that this year is going to be a launching pad for the rest of my life (I'm not entirely sure what that means). For that reason, I desperately need Him to purify my heart, mind, thoughts, actions, and motives.

The promise I'm standing on is this:
"being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
~Philippians 1:6

Good titles are so hard to think of.

2010-01-08T22:30:00.003-05:00

Today was my first Friday off. In case you hadn't heard, I'm no longer working at the New Oxford Coffee Co. I miss it already, but I know it was God's leading. I'm already a bit concerned about financial circumstances. However, I know that God is my source...not the coffee shop, or the church.

So anyway, my main reason for this update is to talk about discipline. Or rather, my lack thereof. I've been incredibly lax as of late. Whether it's starting a fast and not finishing it, struggling to maintain a consistent devotional life, or what have you...I have not been very in control.

As a church leadership, we are doing a 21 day Daniel fast from January 10th to the 31st. The purpose is to really set our hearts right for 2010. My main purpose is to get my self-control back on track. It's pretty huge to cut out meat, most carbs, sweets, and all drinks except for water (and coffee...I don't think I'm giving that up this time). Most of the reason I'm posting this is for accountability. I've not finished so many fasts lately, I need help! I'm also hoping to get my sleep schedule back under control. I've been staying up way too late, and not being able to get up in the morning. It's growing increasingly worse. I'd like to make a tangible goal in that area, and start going to the 8am prayer at church during the week.

Sooo, there's that. Now I'm going to read a little, and hopefully sleep. Goodnight!

prayer for the New Year...

2010-01-02T11:38:00.002-05:00

May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart.
May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and the exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace.
May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, and starvation, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy.
And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done.

~excerpt from Franciscan benediction

Book giveaway!

2009-12-25T01:28:00.001-05:00

Anne Jackson is one of my favorite bloggers to follow. Right now she's doing a "super massive book giveaway", because she just has too many books. Could she be any cooler?

Check it out if you like free stuff:
http://flowerdust.net/2009/12/24/supermassive-bookgiveaway/

I know.

2009-12-16T00:36:00.002-05:00

What if God just sometimes moves too fast?

If I wasn't absolutely certain that God has called me to this time and place (how else could the circumstances of the past five years be explained?) I may have made plans to run away today.

There's not any one thing. Just a lot of things. And a lot of thoughts.

Who knows?

Turns out I don't know much of anything.

But I know He's good. And I know He's faithful. And I know He's sovereign. And I know He loves me.

Happy birthday Gerry!

2009-11-10T23:03:00.002-05:00

Today we celebrate the birth of Gerald Evan Stoltzfoos. I, for one, am incredibly glad that God blessed the earth with him.

Awhile ago I sent him the top ten reasons why I loved him. I thought about making another one of those for this post. But then I was thinking about how birthdays are a celebration of life so far, as well as an eager expectation of life to come. So I thought it appropriate to make two lists.

List #1: Celebration.
1. He used to call me Blondie when I was little. I hated nicknames, and have always refused them (for whatever reason). This is the only nickname I ever remember allowing, and even secretly enjoying.
2. When I was going through a dark few years as a teenager, he somehow found the perfect mix of loving, worrying about, and praying for me...without pushing me.
3. I feel like he's my biggest fan. He pulls this off without being awkward or cheesy. This makes me feel safe, which is something I'm growing to appreciate more and more.
4. He stretches me and expects more of me than I sometimes think I can do....but how else am I going to grow?
5. He is a spiritual father to me. In a world where so many people grow up without daddies, I have three great ones, besides God. How lucky am I?

List #2: Expectation.
1. I don't know anyone else who talks about God giving them a strategy to, in one fell swoop, turn America back to God. I completely believe it will happen, and can't wait to be a part of it.
2. I love his passion to develop leaders. It's also my favorite thing ever. He has been a part of lifting so many awesome people above him. I believe that thousands of amazing world changers are yet to be impacted by Gerry's life.
3. I've never met anyone else so excited about church planting. They might exist, but I doubt it. I love the God-sized dream of planting 1,000 churches...and when we get there, we'll do another thousand.
4. And then on the other side of the huge, God-sized dream, Gerry always remembers the one. Seeing his tearful joy over just one person's life being transformed reminds me what it's all about.
5. No matter where life takes me, you will always be a spiritual father to me. I love you Gerry!

2009-10-30T11:09:00.002-04:00

Blogging is a funny thing. It's pretty trendy right now, but really...what's the point? I used to blog every day...sometimes multiple times in one day. I've come to the conclusion that I may have used it as a substitute for emotional intimacy. I was so good at being a teenager.

Not.

In conclusion, I have awesome friends.

What?

2009-10-12T22:36:00.002-04:00

Do you ever look at your life and say...
"God, really....what are you doing?"

It's not because anything is particularly bad. It's just weird.

It's like that one Eminem song...

2009-10-09T23:53:00.002-04:00

Tonight was the Bombshelter show. The comeback show, I suppose we'll call it. 5 hardcore/metal bands. I wasn't even planning on coming until Tuesday, but I'm so glad I did.

I wasn't really interested in the first 3 bands...I planned on staying for part of I Am History's show (they played 4th). Then I was going to come home and go to sleep. Right, that didn't happen. Even though IAH started playing later than planned, I couldn't bring myself to leave. Then when Texas in July started...again. Couldn't bring myself to leave. That always used to happen with the old Bombshelter shows. I planned to leave, but then couldn't.

I was thinking about it, and I think a big reason is that I had forgotten how special it is to lose yourself in something. Even the bands that weren't that good tonight threw their whole selves into what they were doing. Half the members of TIJ are in high school, and they're better at their instruments than I've ever been at anything. I was talking to their drummer after the show. He practices 4-6 hours per day, 6 days per week. He's literally given up *everything* to pursue drumming.

That kind of passion and dedication can't help but be inspiring.

These thoughts have very interesting timing in my life...

Fasting, etc.

2009-10-08T10:38:00.003-04:00

Today I was reading Forgotten God by Francis Chan. I stopped to pray about something (as I find myself doing frequently when reading something he's written). God revealed a very significant area of unbelief that I've allowed into my life. I don't think I ever consciously realized it was there. But He showed me that I don't really believe that I'm anointed. Maybe because I don't think I'm good enough, but we'll leave the psychoanalysis for another time.

So I'm going on a fruit and vegetable fast again. Not sure how long...I suppose until I get some kind of break through in this area. Just wanted to post this (because sooo many people read it)...I could use the accountability. And prayer. Always prayer.

Vacation?

2009-10-04T20:14:00.003-04:00

Cabin weekend was amazing! I rested, spent time with family, read my Bible in the gazebo in the woods, took long walk in said woods, ate way too much food....I look forward to this weekend all year!

It's funny....the week leading up to it, I was so glad for the break. I was overly exhausted, and discouraged about the decision I have to make (more about that in a bit). And yet, by 4:30 Saturday afternoon, all I could think was, "worship practice starts soon" and "I wonder what they're doing". That continued through the weekend. I texted various people for updates about the services, and heard so many exciting things! I missed it! I must be obsessed. There is no other explanation.

I can't wait to get back to work. I haven't decided what I'm doing with my day tomorrow...it's usually my day off, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep from doing something!

With that said, I could still use some prayer. I've given myself a deadline to make a decision about these changes that I have to make. That deadline is this Saturday, October 10th. However, I'm no closer to...and actually seemingly a whole lot further from....knowing what to do. I'm confident God will show me.

I'm confident in God about a lot of things. He deeply refreshed me this weekend. I don't know how to express what He's done, but it's good.

Vitamin C.

2009-09-28T12:51:00.004-04:00

This whole four services thing is majorly kicking my butt. Today I'm basically ingesting all of the vitamin C I can get my hands on. I think some changes have to be made.

Speaking of changes, I'm in the midst of making a pretty big decision. It's not at all the logical or reasonable thing to do...and I'm pretty excited about it. I've given myself the deadline of October 10th to make the final call. Prayers would be great.

I'm beginning to take the learning guitar thing seriously. I'm going to practice scales here in a bit, run some errands, go to the church to print stuff and pick up marshmallow roasting sticks, come home and cook dinner, and get ready for the worship team bonfire thing. Today is not really a day off. But it's ok, because this weekend my family is going on our annual cabin weekend, and I have three whole days off! Right in a row!

It will be glorious.

Ahh, life...

2009-09-22T22:50:00.002-04:00

I feel like I'm finally back in the game.

Something kind of clicked in my head last Thursday. I took a few light work weeks, and God really restored me.

I can't really express how good it feels to throw myself back into life in a healthy way.

Swerve

2009-09-09T15:01:00.001-04:00

LifeChurch.tv has a blog called Swerve. Today a guest blogger named Amanda Hyden posted something that both convicted and inspired me:

"Like a Fire

Have you ever hung out with someone so much that you start to talk like them? Do you catch yourself making gestures like your best friend? Or saying something JUST LIKE your co-worker? I do this a lot actually. And it weirds me out every single time… that just being around someone can change me, change the way I talk and the way I move!

What about God’s Word? There are those times in life when I find myself speaking the words of the Bible constantly. When I pray, my prayers are covered with His Word. When I talk to my friend, I happen to say the very words of Jesus. My thoughts in my head turn to something I read that morning. These times come when I am poring over His Word daily. When instead of switching on the TV, all I want to do is read more of it. Isn’t it amazing how alive and active His Word is when we choose to fill ourselves with it? It just pours out. It becomes who we are, how we talk and what we do.

Jeremiah 20:9 “…his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.”

How has God’s Word been alive and active in you today? Are you so filled with it that is pours out of you?"

Visit the blog here.

Crazy ridiculousness

2009-09-04T20:27:00.002-04:00

Has God ever dropped pictures in your heart that make you think "that's just ridiculous!"?

He's been subtly (and increasingly) doing that to me over the course of the past few months.
In the most exciting way.

It's slowly going from "that's just ridiculous!" to "wait, could I really live like that??"
Most of it flies in the face of everything I thought life was supposed to be. And I'm so excited for that to be happening.

I got to spend an unexpected, extended amount of time with a great friend who continually challenges me with his lifestyle of sacrifice and seeking God. I think that was a big part of what made me look a little more seriously at these ideas that are way beyond me.

I feel like I have a ridiculous heart, and it's trapped in a normal castle, in a normal country, inhabited by normal-seeking people. I'm making the decision to completely obey God, no matter how little people (including myself) understand.

This may just be weird.

"People don't respond to need - they respond to vision."

2009-08-20T14:53:00.003-04:00

I've heard that quote quite a few times recently, but when I read it on Perry Noble's blog earlier this afternoon, it just resonated with me.

Vision has always been a struggle for me. It was a scary thing. It was only in the past year or so that, for the first time, I started seeing vision for myself that I knew was from God.

I'm so excited about the possibility of casting vision for worship at Freedom Valley, and helping our teams to grow both in depth and numbers.

The utter enormity of what has been placed in front of me has changed from being a terrifying thing to an almost amusing, but exciting thing.

What a life!

Stuff I'm learning...

2009-08-16T10:12:00.002-04:00

I feel like my life is going a million miles an hour.

And I love it!

God is teaching me so much. For example, last night I learned that it's not all about me. : )
I'll clarify:

Worship practice was pretty rough for me. Everyone was very distracted. I just wanted to cry at some points because nothing sounded good, we weren't getting anything done, and I felt like it was my fault.

I was driving home, and God kind of turned a light bulb on in my head. Not everything that goes wrong in my life is a result of my weakness. (i.e. it's not all about me.) I think now that I'm not busy blaming myself and taking things personally, I'll be free to deal with it better.

I'm so grateful to serve a God who faithfully, gently, and continually teaches me and grows me.....and loves me passionately.

Just keep talking. Maybe you'll make sense.

2009-08-11T00:10:00.003-04:00

I think a lot about communication. Specifically the way I communicate. I'm not sure exactly when this started, but at some point, I started listening more deeply to people's words. Thinking about how they structured their arguments, told their stories, etc. I mostly pay attention to the people I consider really good communicators.

But I learn just as much from people who are bad at communicating. Part of me hates that I do this even during general conversation...but I analyze why their words are difficult to understand, or even misleading.

Lately I've been noticing people who say a lot...but don't really have anything to say. I was browsing through blogs and bios, and happened upon a pastor who had a rather lengthy "about me" section. I read about half of it before I realized that it communicated nothing worth reading. I'm pretty sure that's overly critical (and most likely a little prideful) of me, but it's what I thought. I'm sure that pastor loves Jesus. I could tell that he feels a deep passion for fulfilling his purpose in the Kingdom of God.

But if I...the one who grew up in the church and understands the Christianese language....could barely put meaning behind the words....

The bottom line is, I want to have new ways of saying things. One of my favorite things an author or speaker can do is take an eternal and meaningful, but cliched, truth, and put fresh words behind it.

I want to do that for people who don't know Jesus.

"Quiet, there's a great victory in progress"

2009-08-09T12:07:00.002-04:00

That was the title of Jentezen Franklin's sermon Friday night at the Wave Conference. He used Joshua 6, among many other Scriptures, where Joshua tells the Israelites to be silent while marching around the city of Jericho. The Israelites had a history of complaining and speaking doubt when they were up against adversity. Joshua told them to be silent so they wouldn't talk themselves out of the victory God had for them.

This message *so* convicted me. When I have feelings of doubt and insecurity, I usually talk through them. Usually with Jeremiah or someone I trust and look up to, but still. I've been catching myself for the past two days about this. I firmly believe that God has amazing victory in store for my life and church. When I don't have anything but doubt and fear in my heart, I should speak nothing but praise.

Day #3, part 2

2009-08-07T15:17:00.002-04:00

Here are some quotes! (Twitter has worked once for me in the past 2 days. Lame.)

Jentezen Franklin:
"We serve a God who can make the devil's dreams his nightmares."
"We serve a God of divine interruptions."
"God's church has the power to interrupt people's intentions."
"Preaching should be more than entertaining. Preaching should be rearranging."
"Don't become a member of the cult of the comfortable."
"Are you going to marinate or elevate?"
On Acts 2: "Wind rearranges things. Fire redefines things."
"Faith places no limitations on God, and God places no limitations on faith."
**In the Greek language, the last word in the book of Acts is unstoppable.

Sadly, no quotes from Joel Houston. God really spoke to my heart during that session...Joel is incredibly humble, down to earth, and so very wise. I have a ton of notes, but no quotes.

Same with the second breakout session with Brooke Ligertwood. Bethany Murdock did an interview/Q & A style with her about song writing. A lot of really thought provoking and informative stuff, but no quotes.

Jentezen Franklin will be speaking again tonight. I feel completely saturated, but I don't think I'll have a problem soaking up some more awesomeness.

I'm so tired...I think Alisa and I might take a nap here before we head back to church. We got our homeopener a little thank you gift. Can't wait to give it to her! I love being a part of the Kingdom of God, and surrounded by such generous family members that I don't even know!

Day #3, part 1

2009-08-07T11:54:00.002-04:00

This morning Jentezen Franklin preached. In the first breakout session, we did a Q & A session with Joel Houston. We're about to start the next session. I think Brooke will be speaking again.

My heart is bursting. I'm learning more than I thought possible in an extremely short time. I feel like it will be very difficult to sustain all of this, but I'm just kind of letting go and trying to soak it all in....all the while trusting God that He'll take care of it all.

Day #2, part 2

2009-08-06T22:32:00.002-04:00

I'm only writing this because I posted a part 1. You can't have a part 1 without a part 2.

I have the kind of exhaustion that can only be attained through a full, but wonderful day. Ed Young was once again inspiring this morning. The Holy Spirit really speaks to me through him...half the time I barely heard what he said because God kept showing me things.

Day 1 of the worship and creative arts breakout sessions was pretty cool. Bethany Murdock, the worship leader here, had a fantastic message about giants we face as worship leaders. She specifically addressed the giant of comparison, the credit-taking giant, and the voices giant. Such convicting, but fantastic words. Brooke Ligertwood (formerly Fraser) also spoke. I was struck by how down to earth she was. She didn't have a clear, concise message or outline, but she transparently and humbly shared her heart. She also flicked us off. So that was fun.

It rained this afternoon, so our planned visit to the beach was canceled. Instead we joined our new Australian friend, Katie, for lunch at Ruby Tuesday's. We went back to the church and found random people to question. So far, I've managed to question their coffee shop workers, tech guy, kids ministry leaders, Bible College graduate, and a few others. This place gets your brain going.

Tonight At Boshoff spoke. It was one of those messages I could barely take notes on. He mostly quoted Scripture and talked about who Jesus is. It was simple, and incredibly powerful. You might as well just order the DVD, because words can't describe it. There were also quite a few salvations...not what I expected at a leadership conference, but it turns out the evenings are open to the public. They've been encouraging us to find people to invite. I hope to do that tomorrow afternoon.

Aaaand that'll be all for tonight.

P.S. Twitter hasn't been working for me all day...texts aren't even going through. Sorry for those of you who were hoping for quotes. I tried.

Day #2, part 1

2009-08-06T13:46:00.002-04:00

As promised yesterday, I want to tell the story of how we came to have a free place to stay.

On Sunday, Gerry mentioned to me that he met a couple that came to Freedom Valley for the first time. They just moved up to PA from VA Beach. I searched through the response cards, got their contact info, and sent them an email. I hadn't heard anything from them by Tuesday, so I mustered up my self-confidence and gave them a call. Keep in mind I've never met these people, and Gerry only has once.

So I introduced myself (they hadn't gotten my email), and explained the story of going on the conference. I tentatively (with plenty of opportunity for them to tell me I'm asking something ridiculous) asked if they knew of anyone who could house us. They said they'd check around.

As a back-up plan during all of this, I had contacted the church and secured us fairly cheap housing for $100. But free is better, so I kept praying.

Around 7pm Tuesday night, a lady named Kathy called, and said she's a friend of the Applewhites. She's a single mom, and happened to have a room we could stay in. She's incredibly sweet and has adorable daughters. She lives about 2 minutes from the church, which has been a huge blessing.

So this is what life looks like when God decides to run things....

Anyway, as promised, here are some quotes from the morning sessions:

Ed Young:
"Anyone can fake sanity for a couple of years."
"Creativity is in the nature of God. All of us are creative geniuses."
"Change and creativity are inseparably linked."
"If it ain't broke...break it!"
"Delegation without investigation is an abomination."

Bethany Murdock:
"Don't despise the day of small beginnings."
"Comparisons lead to excuses for all the reasons why you can't."
"People need leaders who will come alongside them, and not be threatened by them."

Darlene Zschech:
"The one person kicked out of heaven so far was the worship leader." Ouch.

Brooke Ligertwood (formerly Fraser):
"To be saved costs us nothing, but to be a disciple costs us everything."
"This is our great freedom in Christ: to be the lowest of the low."

Now we're off to meet our Australian friend Katie for a late lunch. It's pouring, so hopefully tomorrow we'll get to the beach!

Day #1

2009-08-05T22:23:00.002-04:00

"Could my life get anymore exciting?"

I seem to periodically say this to myself, and God keeps answering "yes". Loving it.

I'm writing this from a 2 year old's room in VA Beach. Alisa and I left this morning at 11:40am (behind schedule, but not caring too much) and arrived at the Wave Church around 5:30pm. Between a few rest stops, an adventurous attempt to find a Starbucks, and terribly backed up traffic right before Norfolk, I think we made pretty good time. I thought we had to be here by 5...turns out we didn't need to get here before the service at 7:30. Awesome. So we made ourselves peanut butter sandwiches in the parking lot, and then went inside to wrestle with the wireless and try to make friends with the volunteers.

Service was pretty awesome. Joel Houston, Brooke Fraser, (that's not her last name, since she got married about a year ago...but I don't remember what it is now), and the Hillsong team led worship. Crazy good. A few times I had to force myself to think about Jesus, because I was trying to soak up and learn everything I could from them. I absolutely cannot wait until the worship breakout sessions tomorrow. Oh goodness.

Ed Young preached...at first I thought it was going to be just another "go get people saved" message (I wish my default mode isn't typically cynicism)....but it wasn't. I'm not sure if it was the words that were different, or if it's just my heart. As I sat there, I felt the Holy Spirit downloading some things that are rather scary to my little brain. But I'm pretty ready to start praying some dangerous prayers.

I think I'm finally ready to start daring Him.

I'll tell the story about the lady who has opened her home to us for the week tomorrow. It's a good one, but I am *so* ready for sleep.

Wave!

2009-08-04T12:47:00.002-04:00

I'm heading out to Virginia Beach tomorrow morning. : )

Alisa and I are going to a leadership conference at the Wave Church. I'm pretty excited! It's last minute, so we're both trying to tie up a bunch of loose ends today.

Transitions around here are starting to take a little more shape than they've had in the past few months. It's an exciting thing to be a part of.

I really can't wait to learn this week. I'm such a nerd.

Thoughts of the day!

2009-07-17T20:00:00.003-04:00

Caution: this post has the potential to be very random.

I'm listening to a Rick Warren interview from May. Good stuff. I'm down to 7 "un-listened-to" podcasts on my iTunes. Much better than over 100. Guess I need to find a new one to subscribe to.
(Quote: "partial faithfulness is actually unfaithfulness.")

I got to hang out with Dan Hubbell today. He randomly showed up at the coffee shop. He spent the afternoon at the church, and I met up with him there. We had a great, reflective conversation. It was amazing, looking back over the last 2 years of our lives....seeing the pain and brokenness, and marveling at the beauty that God has brought into both of our lives. Jesus is so great.

I'm increasingly disturbed by my aversion to talk to people who think differently than I do. I always thought that I love people who challenge me. Today I realized that I am very insecure. I have this subconscious thing that tells me that they won't like me. So instead of just loving people and letting them challenge and teach me...I hide in my safe little bubble. Sad. I think I'll stop.

Vacation
So here's the real point of today's post. I won't be online this week. I won't be checking my facebook, blog, etc. I had originally decided that my "vacation" week would be more of a spiritual retreat. When I didn't find a retreat type place to go, I started forgetting. I scheduled a bunch of stuff, decided to go to the beach for the weekend, and all sorts of other stuff. As I was driving home tonight, I kind of woke up. God is jealous for His time with me that I promised Him. So I'm going to give it to Him. I'm not going to the beach. I'm not completely avoiding people this week....but I'll be pretty scarce. I may or may not check my email...and if I do, I'll only scan through for the urgent stuff. So pray for me. I don't really have any goals for this week, but I'm so excited to just seek His face for hours and hours. If you have to get in touch with me, call me. I probably won't answer, but if you leave a voicemail and it's important, I will return the call. : )

And so I leave you with this verse: (listen to Andy Stanley's sermon series "Destinations" for some awesome thoughts on it.)
"A prudent man sees danger and takes refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it."
~Proverbs 22:3

What is a strength?

2009-07-14T13:29:00.002-04:00

This is an indirect quote from Marcus Buckingham. (Indirect because I listened to this interview weeks ago. This concept stuck with me, but I paraphrased his words.)

Defining a strength as something you're good at is, at best inaccurate, and at worst deceptive. A strength is not just something you're good at.

A strength is what makes you feel strong.

Mmmm, good. I've had difficulty defining my strengths lately. I'm good at some things that sometimes feel like they're killing me. I feel reassured that I don't have to pursue those things.
Thank you Jesus.

I dare you.

2009-07-10T20:02:00.002-04:00

Jesus picks weird ways to teach me stuff.

I make tips at the coffee shop. $20 is about the minimum that can be considered a good day. This afternoon, I worked till 2pm. I counted my tips sometime after 1pm, and had $15 and some change. I kind of sighed a little, and thought how incredibly improbable it was that I would make it to $5 in 30 minutes. Since all my tip money goes to church anyway, I kind of had one of those "oh-well-God,-it's-your-money" moments. Long story short, I made $21 by the end of my shift. I was sitting there having a good chuckle about it to myself, when God said "I dare you to dare me."

Hmmm....

Good stuff...

2009-07-10T14:33:00.004-04:00

I haven't written in awhile.

And my first post of July won't be anything from my own mind. I read Perry Noble's blog. He recently wrote an excellent post detailing five questions we should ask ourselves in ministry.

It made me want to get down on my knees and pray...unfortunately I'm at the coffee shop. I'll have to wait till I get in the car....

Read it here.

Mhmmm

2009-06-28T15:06:00.002-04:00

This morning felt significant, but I can't for the life of me figure out why.
Not that I'm trying all that hard. Jesus will show me if I need to know.

This past week was so refreshing. I spent a wonderful sunset all alone with Jesus on Tuesday night.
I came home Wednesday after Financial Peace, and spent the entire afternoon laying in my yard with my Bible and notebook. Meditated on Psalm 145....I only got through the first 7 verses.
I slept in Thursday, and had lunch with Teresa M. Loved catching up.

I don't think I'm quite recovered from the intensity of the past month or so. But I'm on my way.
: )

June 20, BFF's

2009-06-20T23:13:00.003-04:00

Today was my 5th day in a row that I worked an (at least) 12 hour day. I have to get up soo early tomorrow for church. And yet I'm having an incredibly hard time relaxing enough to go to sleep.

Tonight was the first night of Harvest Cry that I was able to relax enough to really appreciate what was going on. There were so many details, cues, teams....I was very distracted. But tonight Johannes preached his message about making the Holy Spirit your best friend. I've heard it a few times already. But I was looking out on people's faces during the altar call, and I realized something.

I miss Him. Not that He went anywhere, or that I really did...I guess. I just miss Him. So I prayed with the rest of them, and told the Holy Spirit that I want Him to be my best friend.

He's been waking things up in me that I haven't known what to do with. I keep wondering if the path I'm on is the right one, but so far it's the only one that's made any sense. I know something needs to change, but (besides my busyness) I have no idea how/where to start.

I've had such a hard time picking a direction. I think Gerry and Jeremiah have been a bit frustrated with me at times, and I'm afraid Jesus has too. But all of these things He's put in me just don't line up.

I'm pretty sure I'm just rambling at this point.

Wednesday

2009-06-18T00:22:00.002-04:00

The "pep rally" has come and gone. It was exciting, for sure. Also came up with quite a substantial to-do list...mostly made up of glitches I need to prevent for the rest of the week.

I went to the diner with the Amritzer's and a bunch of other people after the service. That was a mistake. Enjoyable, but I should have been asleep at least an hour ago.

People got saved tonight! I don't know how many, but I think it gave us all a taste of what's to come this week. Expectation is building!

T-1, or something like that.

2009-06-16T17:50:00.003-04:00

Tuesday:
Much less stressful than I previously anticipated. All the teams we worked hard to create seem to be running on their own, getting all their respective responsibilities taken care of.

Thank you Lord for giving us so many creative, talented, ambitious people!

Oh, and Jake posted a blog that was an incredibly encouraging reminder to me.
Read it here.

Is it really here?

2009-06-14T18:27:00.002-04:00

My last day off before Harvest Cry has officially begun. At this point, the infinite amount of tiny details that have been running my life for almost a year are going to happen, and there's not much more I can do about it. That feels good...in a way.

This week will be exciting and exhausting.

Can't wait. : )

Life is crazy!

2009-06-07T12:20:00.002-04:00

I think I haven't been blogging regularly because so much has been happening. I just don't have time to write about it.

Lately I've been thinking about the things that make me feel alive. I've felt increasingly unsure about the future for some reason. I have no conclusion for that at this time.

This morning I used the word "traversing" in my head. It was fun.

Repentance is a beautiful thing.

2009-06-01T23:07:00.002-04:00

I've found myself on my face repenting quite a bit lately....for one thing or another.

God is revealing Himself to me in quite a new way. One that sounds like something I should have known already, but somehow it escaped my notice...? I don't know.

Sometimes I think I get so busy "growing" in my leadership that I forget about the people that I'm supposed to be leading. You know, the ones that everything is really about anyway.

So deeply thankful for grace.

"Grace, we all know, can take the place of all we owe."
~mewithoutYou, bullet to Binary (pt. two)

"Burn in me"

2009-05-29T17:49:00.002-04:00

How I long to be broken
How I want to be near You
How my heart skips beats when
Your love accepts me as I am
~The Glorious Unseen

Every new day...

2009-05-27T10:26:00.002-04:00

God reminded me last night that every day is a new day. That's one of those phrases I've heard all my life, but never really taken to heart.

The issues of yesterday don't have to be the issues of today.

God also asked me to change my fast starting in June. I have a vacation coming up in July (it was officially approved!), and I'm feeling that it's going to end up being more of a spiritual retreat. So in preparation for that, I'm going to start a rather extreme fast on Monday, June 1st (or at least the most extreme I can remember doing). I'll probably end my beverage fast a little early. I'm feeling a release from it coming, and I'll definitely be needing to drink juice.

The best part of all of this: I'm starting to feel things again. I've been pretty numb lately.

<3Jesus

Life is sometimes overwhelming.

2009-05-19T11:23:00.002-04:00

This morning I admitted to Jeremiah that I feel overwhelmed today. The truth is, I've been in a constant state of feeling overwhelmed for awhile now. There have been a few brief refreshing moments...oases if you will. : ) Like the May 2nd excursion to DC, and this past weekend. I was able to spend time with some GMC alumni and just relax.

I would appreciate your prayers. I have a vacation coming in July. But I don't want to just make it until then.

Education

2009-05-07T15:40:00.003-04:00

I'm a nerd. I say it pretty often.

I've been watching other people taking classes, complaining about finals, achieving graduations, getting ordained....
and it makes my heart hurt a little.

It's no longer a source of insecurity (at least most of the time) that I have little education past high school. It's shifted to just a plain old desire for more. I'm slowly but surely finishing the last few classes I have to take to be licensed. But I feel pretty far away from any sort of a degree.

I'm doing my best to trust that God has a plan, and reminding myself that His timing is perfect.

Transition

2009-05-06T12:47:00.002-04:00

Few things about a transition period are comfortable.
In fact, I find myself being increasingly uncomfortable with my surroundings, and what's required of me.

Not because there's anything wrong with any of those things. It just feels strange.

I've said many times that the more I learn, the less I feel like I know. That seems to have been multiplied by ten in the past few weeks. I keep reminding myself of a lesson Jim Ruddy preached about Abraham when he was here for a meeting of area pastors. When you are walking on ground that feels strange, a lot of times God is asking you to own that territory.

Caution: abrupt subject change follows.

I am currently preoccupied with the music of Seabird and The Reign of Kindo. Go here to listen to the full albums for free. Relevantmagazine.com has an audio player called The Drop. You can scroll through quite a few different artists. There's a really great group of people behind Relevant that are doing all they can to bring about change.

Road trippppp!!!

2009-05-01T16:35:00.002-04:00

So it's only to DC, but I'm still excited!

Tomorrow I work at the coffee shop 7:30-2, and then I leave for DC with three of the coolest people ever!

Evan, Shawna, Jake and I will be visiting Ebenezer's coffee shop...a fully functioning coffee shop/church! I'm excited. Mark Batterson is one of my favorite writers, and I hear the church is quite an experience.

I don't get to do purely fun things very often. I really can't wait.

Human Trafficking

2009-04-26T22:54:00.004-04:00

God has been really burdening my heart for the issue of human trafficking, especially sex trafficking.

It all started back in October when I went to Nepal. It was my first real encounter with how women are treated outside of the United States. Not that anything really bad happened to me...but I was smacked out of my comfortable little world. Johannes and Peter gave me a little prayer booklet called Voice for the Voiceless, or something like that. There were 30 stories of different kinds of oppression that women face around the world. Trafficking, slavery, and the sexual industry were all in there.

Then back in March, I started getting into podcasts. Jake suggested the All About Worship podcast. The first one I listened to was an interview with Charity Marquis, from Night Light. (I referenced this in my last post.) They work in Bangkok, Thailand. They literally rescue women from the sex trade. They do outreaches in the bars, clubs, etc. and show these women that there are other options. The women come and work at Night Light, and make jewelry. As soon as I finished listening to the podcast, I got on the website (www.nightlightbangkok.com) and bought a pair of earrings. They just came this week, and are decidedly my favorite things that I own right now. They were literally hand made by a woman who was rescued from the sex industry in Bangkok.

Anyway, I haven't been able to get this whole thing out of my head. I kept waiting for God to show me some way (besides buying jewelry) for me to somehow bring about change.

Tonight, I went to Foursquare church in Gettysburg to watch Lord, Save Us From Your Followers. Absolutely phenomenal movie. Makes you laugh, cry, and seriously examine your heart. Dan Merchant, the man who made it, has a great friend named Mike Mercer. Mike was actually in the movie (the part about Biloxi, Mississippi). Mike came to Foursquare to speak this morning, and then led a short discussion after the movie. He runs an organization called Compassion First. They are developing programs in Indonesia for girls under 18 who are rescued from sex trafficking. Rehabilitation, education, finding Christian foster homes from the local church...

I got to talk to him, and he invited me to go to dinner with the worship leader (Rachael), youth pastor (Ryan) and Ryan's wife from Foursquare. I believe I'll be working with Ryan to get our youth groups involved in Compassion First. They have a really cool plan, and I just....man, I'm so excited.

He also gave me some book recommendations, which I will pass along in case any of you are interested.
Not For Sale by David Batstone
A Crime So Monstrous by Benjamin F. Skinner

Worship and justice

2009-04-22T19:20:00.002-04:00

I was listening to a podcast awhile ago, and this almost-quote has stuck with me ever since. (Almost because I've paraphrased it a bit. I didn't get her exact words.)

Worship is ultimately intimacy and connection with God. True justice can only come from that place of intimacy. If we step into this and try to combat some of these huge issues, the only way is to be connected to God's heart. He can begin to download the strategies, and give us hope that true change can occur.

That came from the 3/26/09 podcast from All About Worship. I highly recommend it.

Untitled, because I can't think of one.

2009-04-22T18:15:00.002-04:00

I feel like I learn a ridiculous amount of information each day, just living my life.

On Sunday night, we had another Young Leaders' Union at Jake & Shawna's house. I'm really cherishing those two lately, so I've decided to be in complete denial about them moving halfway across the country in 8 months.

We had such great conversation the whole evening. I always feel so refreshed after those evenings. There was one teaching in particular that Shawna told us about. Jeff Leake taught at the Bible school she went to in Sweden. He said that everyone has one phrase that God has placed in them (a succinct purpose if you will) that encompasses all of their desires. When you find that, you can hold every opportunity, vision, direction, etc. up to this to see if it's really what God wants to do with you. I have mine! While she was talking, God reminded me of something He told me about a year ago, right before the first time I preached. As soon as I remembered that, it was like all of the confusion and things that were unclear suddenly lined up in my mind.

Long story short, I'm ready to admit some things. Makes it so much easier, having an idea of what God has asked of me. I'm sure it won't turn out looking anything like what I see in my head right now, but I'm pretty ok with that.

In other news, I've found that I have little patience with those writers and preachers who talk a lot about social justice, communal living, etc. Most of them are extremely (and unnecessarily) critical of the church, and don't provide many practical ways of really making a difference. In conclusion, if you're not doing something about it, shut up.

Romans 8

2009-04-17T12:35:00.003-04:00

This is quite possibly my favorite chapter in the whole Bible.

v. 18: I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
Anyone going through a hard time of any sort should meditate on this verse. When you think about what God has promised us, any amount of pain or discomfort we experience isn't even worth thinking about.

v. 22-23: We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.
So close. Hold on...just a little longer. It's almost here...

He's almost here.

I'm still alive

2009-04-16T16:52:00.002-04:00

Could life move any faster?

I'm reading Jesus For President by Shane Claiborne and Chris Haw. So far...not a huge fan. I may have decided before I even started that I wouldn't like it, which isn't fair. I'm sure they'll still be ok with themselves.

It's amazing how old insecurities pop up out of nowhere. Most of the time they're the worst for me when I don't realize I'm being insecure. It's an awful feeling. Not at all logical. I've gotten a bit rusty at fighting it with truth. Guess I'll have to work on that.

Do you know a dream is from God when it seems way too big for you....so big that it seems silly to even try?

Giving

2009-04-03T22:04:00.003-04:00

Ok, so.....I don't know how to start this.

Sacrificial giving is a truth I was raised on. It's just what you do. Sometimes it was confusing watching my parents do it. But then I tried it, and it turns out it's addicting. There's few things like giving way more money than you can afford to something for God's Kingdom. It's fun...even if that sounds weird.

I haven't told many people about my faith promise to Freedom Valley's current building fund, The Hope Initiative. I more than doubled my weekly giving from last year. When I made the decision to at least double it, I found out I was going to be getting a paycheck from the church.

We did a giving exercise. There were three levels that we were asked to consider. What we could give, what we could sacrifice to give a little more, and a crazy dream goal. I don't think anyone else called it a crazy dream goal....but that's what I'm calling it, because mine really is a crazy dream. I don't feel comfortable naming numbers, but over the next three years, I'd like to give about the same amount of money as I made before taxes in 2008. To the building fund. Above tithes. I showed Gerry the number, and he said I was crazy...then we prayed over it. I don't know if I've shown anyone else. I didn't really want to.

Then I read the "genesis story" of Rick Warren's The Purpose Driven Life, on Mark Batterson's blog:
"One of the questions I love asking leaders is their genesis story. I want to hear the story behind the story. So I asked Rick Warren about the genesis of Purpose-Driven Life. For what it's worth, I think it's the best-selling non-fiction book besides the Bible in American history. More than fifty million copies in print.

He said the book traces back to a Saddleback building campaign in the early 90's when Rick and Kay felt led to go public with their personal pledge like King David did when they were building the Temple. He said he felt very awkward about going public, but he knew the Lord wanted him to. To make a long story short, they pledged their entire salary for three years and had no idea how they would be able to pay the pledge. To make a long story short, it was a few weeks later that Zondervan offered Rick a book deal to write Purpose-Driven Church and Purpose-Driven Life. The advance? The exact amount of money they had pledged.

I was so inspired by that. I don't think it's any coincidence that the success of Purpose-Driven Life is really the byproduct of generosity! God has infinitely unique ways of honoring our acts of faith."
http://evotional.com/2008/05/story-behind-story.html

I don't feel called to write a best-selling book at this point in my life. But if God can do it for Rick Warren, He can do it for me.

Life up in the air

2009-04-02T13:17:00.002-04:00

Life is very interesting right now. I feel like everything is up in the air.

Probably because everything is.

We don't have a venue set for Harvest Cry.
We have a few key staff roles to fill in the coming months.
Our worship plans have to be completely re-thought.
My boss and my partner of sorts are both leaving next year.

When the whole Tulsa move got announced, it was like everything got thrown up in the air...and stayed there. Which is ok. It was scary at first, but now it's exciting.

God is giving me the opportunity to completely re-think the direction I'm heading, and make sure it's from Him. For a long time I let my leaders and the people around me decide my vision. I just adopted theirs, instead of having my own. I think that was ok, it was where God had me. But now I'm feeling a real push to set some goals, and decide some direction for myself.

I think I scared Jeremiah a little when I told him all this the other day. But that's ok.

If anyone hasn't read Mark Batterson's Wild Goose Chase, I'd highly recommend it. That book is really what made me start thinking in this direction.

If you want to borrow my copy, let me know.

Growth.

2009-03-25T23:37:00.002-04:00

Can't happen fast enough.

Days like today (so many tasks to complete) I have trouble dreaming about the future. We're in a critical state at Freedom Valley where we simply must dream.

Dreaming is scary for me. I don't know why.

Ok, I know.
But it's a long story.

God, give me Your dreams. Give me Your hope, that will never, ever disappoint me.

Shaking.

2009-03-24T18:25:00.002-04:00

The Lord is shaking us here at Freedom Valley...that's for sure. This morning I posted a Facebook status saying that my world had just been shaken. A few people seemed concerned, so I thought I should explain. Jason and Sara Fitch are moving. They are going to Tulsa, Oklahoma to plant a church. I found out about this Saturday, but it didn't really sink in until this morning. I told Rachael over the weekend that we would have to come up with a new name for ourselves, because it's just not Freedom Valley without the Fitch's.

In staff this morning, they announced the move. Then I found out that they're taking people with them. Daniel St. Armand, my twin. Jake and Shawna Lewis, who have recently become some of my favorite people.

Jason Fitch: director of Student Ministries (includes kids, youth, and GMC). Church planting coach.
Daniel St. Armand: youth pastor, resident graphic designer. Did I mention the twin thing?
Jake Lewis: the other half for, and driving force behind all of the vision and plans we have for the worship community.
Shawna Lewis: Visionary behind Young Leaders' Union...a group I loved from the first meeting. Conversations I will miss terribly.

I guess Jake leaving was what shook things up the most. Jeremiah and I talked about it a bit. It's one of those things that is definitely God....so I'm just waiting for him to come in with His vision that will make the one we had already look easy.

Best day off...

2009-03-23T22:56:00.002-04:00

Today was the best day off I've had in a long time. I slept in, but not all day. I had a great, extended time of Bible reading before I even got out of bed.

I cleaned some trash out of my car and vacuumed it. I also cleaned up my room a bit. I had a few bouquets of flowers that had been dead for awhile...I finally threw them away, and cleaned up the mess they had left.

According to Gordon MacDonald, I'd say my private world just got a little more ordered.

I did some laundry and *gasp* put it away on the same day.

I got in a good amount of vegging on the couch. Stacey used her connections to rent some movies for free....we got Madagascar 2 and Kung Fu Panda. Family night was great....movies, grilling burgers, homemade strawberry shakes....

It doesn't get much better than this.

And now I plan on getting a full night of sleep. Oh the joy.

Lately

2009-03-19T17:11:00.002-04:00

I've got to be honest...my private world does not feel ordered right now. My car is dirty, my room is a mess. This morning I finally put away a load of clothes that I washed on Monday. I feel like I'm living reactively.

This is all understandable, due to the work load I've had for the past month or so. But I'm so ready to get some control back in my life.

On top of that, my body has been fighting something off. I was hoping that the two days I took off last week would help prevent that, but it apparently wasn't enough. I'd really love to do a legitimate personal retreat, where I get away from my home for a few days...alone. With Jesus.

I'm slowly coming up with a plan to get some focus and discipline back into my life.
God is so unbelievably good to me.

In other news, I'm very excited about Harvest Cry for the first time in weeks! We came up with some awesome ideas in our meeting this afternoon, and I believe God is slowly laying out an exciting direction that I can take the Prayer Movement in. The chapter I'm on in Wild Goose Chase (by Mark Batterson) is talking a lot about God's plan vs. our plan. Here's a quote that completely turned around the way I think about some things:

"God is far more concerned about your future than you are. We put so much pressure on ourselves, as if the eternal plans of almighty God are contingent upon our ability to decipher them. The truth is, God wants to reveal them more than we want to know them."

Refreshed

2009-03-09T00:35:00.001-04:00

The 24/60 Prayer Event happened. I survived. It didn't kill me.

I learned a lot, that's for sure. I think I have a plan that will improve greatly on how we pull them off, what they look like, and who is involved.

Jeremiah sent me home Saturday night after we were done flipping the church for service. I was in bed and asleep before 7pm, and got up around 8 the next morning. Attended church for second service. The sermon was incredibly good and challenging, and I felt very refreshed.

The Young Leaders' Union was at Jake and Shawna's house tonight. I'm really glad I went. I love their heart in it, and I think they're so right when they described the conversation as "gold".

Plus Shawna came up with a really fun idea for special music sometime in the near future.

I love my friends, I love my life, and I love my Jesus.

24/60 Prayer Event

2009-03-03T14:37:00.002-05:00

24/60 = 24 hours / 60 minutes in an hour

Date: March 6th & 7th
Time: 1pm to 1pm (Friday to Saturday)
Theme: The Hope Initiative

This will be an incredible time in the presence of God. At least once a year, we transform the sanctuary into a place conducive to prayer and intercession. For 24 hours, we passionately seek God's face. This event's theme is The Hope Initiative. God is doing some incredible things at Freedom Valley, and He needs to take all of us to a new level to do so.

Please join us at some point during these 24 hours. Come for a few minutes, an hour, two, or stay for the whole thing! Some ministries are taking specific time frames to get their leadership together to pray in unity. Join the ministry you're involved in, or come whenever it's most convenient for you.

If you have kids, consider coming sometime from 11am-1pm on Saturday. The whole focus of those two hours will be on praying with your kids, and teaching them how to pray. We'll have plenty of interactive things for them to do.

You don't want to miss this! Take some extra time out of your schedule to come and join us. Our prayer is that everyone who comes, leaves changed.

Leading worship

2009-02-28T23:27:00.002-05:00

Almost every time after I lead worship, I ask myself a few questions. They're not usually exactly the same, but in my head it goes something like this:

~Did anyone experience God in a new way?
~Was the Holy Spirit able to use me in the way that He needed?
~Did I do anything that really matters?

Most of the time I can't really answer them, except the second one. Of course with my mind, there's always something I could have done better, and most of the time it does no good to focus on that.

Tonight I feel like I offered something incredibly messy, not at all logical, probably a little smelly, and full of my weaknesses.

But I get this odd feeling that He is incredibly pleased with it.

I love Him so much.

Fasting, not necessarily Lent.

2009-02-26T12:51:00.003-05:00

I'm fasting. Not necessarily for Lent.

I've been in an almost-continual state of fasting something or other since last fall. When I'm fasting something, everything is better. Not necessarily easier or more comfortable. But things line up. My relationship with God feels more solid. However, it's very difficult for me to fast something long-term. Not because I can't commit to it, but because it gets easy after awhile. (Usually.) It just becomes habit after about two months.

The Harvest Cry planning team committed to fasting together back when we started planning. I've recently started changing mine monthly.

So for March, I'll be fasting sarcasm. The Lord has been convicting me quite often about the way I speak to people lately. I want to be really good at communicating, which includes but is not limited to preaching and teaching. Our words in daily conversations communicate much more than we think about, and I want to be communicating love.

This will be difficult for me, because sarcasm has once again become second nature to me. So I'll need all of you to help keep me accountable on this one. Call me out (nicely please) if I say something sarcastic.

Most of all I'll need help from Jesus. I don't want to just be nice for the month of March. I want to be changed.

Sanctus Real

2009-02-24T17:40:00.003-05:00

I love this band. I first saw them at the Creation Festival that was held in Hershey because of the flooding at Agape Farms. I don't remember what year that was. At the time I was very impressed with their music as well as how they interacted with fans after the show. You could tell they loved Jesus, and they were doing His will for His glory...not just trying to be rockstars.

Anyway, since my CD's were stolen my first year in GMC, I haven't listened to them much. Lately I've heard them a lot on the radio, and every time I hear a new song I think "whoah...that is so good." I'm not usually easily impressed.

Currently one of my favorite songs is "Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly)". It fits my life so well. Here are a few lyrics:

"There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender"

"Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly"

"Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climb aimlessly over these hills"

So yes, check out the song. It's good stuff.

Silly me...

2009-02-18T23:28:00.002-05:00

That's basically my reaction when I catch myself in self-sufficiency-mode.

I had a ton to do this week. Tuesday and Wednesday were very productive days, but I still felt completely overwhelmed by how much I wasn't getting done.

I was sending some emails, trying to get details wrapped up that I'm way behind on for the 24/60 Prayer Event, when I realized...wait. I'm depending on my own strength again.

And so I shook my head, pushed away my computer for a minute or so, and prayed. Gave it all over to God. Especially the Prayer Event, since it's really from Him, for Him, about Him, and all that. It's best to let Him take the reigns on that one. : )

After I prayed, I hit this really great momentum, and worked until 10:30, when I looked at the clock and realized I really needed to get some sleep.

What's that quote? "Work like it all depends on you, and pray like it all depends on God." Or something like that.

Right, so tomorrow is another packed day. I probably won't have time to go to the gym unless I can drag myself out of bed super early.

The longest name ever (yes, more Monty Python)

2009-02-17T15:24:00.002-05:00

Why is it the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfernschpleden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nurnburger-bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shonendanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?

Lord, You are good...

2009-02-15T22:25:00.003-05:00

I'm having one of those moments right now where I'm realizing that my words will never be enough. How can I possibly expect to thank and glorify God for all He's done for me?

I just glanced at a prophecy Gerry gave me back in October 2007. "Soon, you will weep far more because of the good things I am doing with your life than over all the evil Satan ever accomplished with you." And, "many will enjoy the fruit of your life and will find me through you." The first one has most definitely come true. At the time I remember trying so hard to imagine that, and being unable to. The last one...well, I remembered once again that it's one of my deepest desires.

This weekend was incredibly significant, I think. Our fairly new team led worship, and the Lord really showed up. It's been spoken more than a few times that God is bringing a new sound out of Freedom Valley. At the Saturday night service, He revealed to me that this sound isn't necessarily something we can hear. He revealed a lot more too, but most of it is incredibly difficult to explain.

This is the Scripture I prayed over this morning:

Psalm 29
Ascribe to the Lord, O mighty ones,
ascribe to the Lord glory and strength.
Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name;
worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness.

The voice of the Lord is over the waters;
the God of glory thunders,
the Lord thunders over the mighty waters.
The voice of the Lord is powerful;
the voice of the Lord is majestic.
The voice of the Lord breaks the cedars;
the Lord breaks in pieces the cedars of Lebanon.
He makes Lebanon skip like a calf,
Sirion like a young wild ox.
The voice of the Lord strikes
with flashes of lightning.
The voice of the Lord shakes the desert;
the Lord shakes the Desert of Kadesh.
The voice of the Lord twists the oaks
and strips the forests bare.
And in his temple all cry, "Glory!"

The Lord sits enthroned over the flood;
the Lord is enthroned as King forever.
The Lord gives strength to his people;
the Lord blesses his people with peace.

I want people to hear me (us), and hear the voice of the Lord.

Birthday!

2009-02-09T23:28:00.003-05:00

Today was my 21st birthday.

It started at around 12:03am when Gerry, Johannes, Samuel, Peter, Per, and Jonatan sang happy birthday to me in the Lincoln Diner. That was something.

I slept in...yesterday was intense, so I needed it. Caught up on some Bible reading (I'm still behind since I started toward the end of January), watched Bones, and laid around.

Chris and John showed up randomly to give me presents. I'm pretty sure they foraged around the Freedom House to find things they could give me. It was random and rather amusing, but nice.

Tony and Mon came over for family dinner, which was really cool. And then a lot of people showed up for dessert. It was a good night.

Thanks to everyone who helped make today special! I love you guys!

Steelers fans?

2009-02-05T22:37:00.001-05:00

I think this article is awesome. It's about Mike Tomlin's declaration of faith during Superbowl Week.

Read it here:
http://www.bpnews.net/bpnews.asp?id=29752

Stuff I read

2009-02-05T17:17:00.000-05:00

I recently set up my google reader account. You should try it....really, google is taking over the world. You heard it here first.

Anyway, I was sitting here eating my caesar salad from Wendy's and catching up on blogs I follow, and I read Mark Batterson's entry for the day. You can read it here:
http://evotional.com/2009/02/one-god-idea.html

"You need to pray like it depends on God, and work like it depends on you until the dream becomes reality!"

I'm now even more determined to visit his church and here him preach. Anyone up for a road trip to DC?

Flying Circus!

2009-02-04T14:43:00.001-05:00

My brother got me a Monty Python's Flying Circus desk calendar for Christmas.
Here's today's:

Man (Eric Idle): Burglar, madam.
Woman (John Cleese): What do you want?
Man: I want to come in and steal a few things, madam.
Woman: Are you an encyclopedia salesman?
Man: No, madam. I'm a burglar, I burgle people.
Woman: I think you're an encyclopedia salesman.
Man: Oh I'm not, open the door, let me in please.
Woman: If I let you in you'll sell me encyclopedias.
Man: I won't, madam. I just want to come in and ransack the flat. Honestly.
Woman: Promise. No encyclopedias.
Man: None at all.
Woman: All right. (she opens the door) You'd better come in then.
Man: Mind you, I don't know whether you've really considered the advantages of owning a really fine set of modern encyclopedias...

from "Burglar/Encyclopedia Salesman"
Season 1, Episode 5: "Man's Crisis of Identity in the Latter Half of the Twentieth Century"

I feel full.

2009-02-02T21:52:00.000-05:00

Full is the best feeling. Not over-full. Just full. Satisfied.

I'm not necessarily talking about a full stomach. Although that's always nice.

It's just the best way to describe my mood. My life is full. So many good, wonderful people. So many things to be excited about.

Not really much to ask for.

God is so good, and so faithful.

On perspective and clutter

2009-01-29T00:07:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm slowly getting my perspective back.

Someone I really respect told me a few months ago to guard against busyness. I thought I was, but then all of a sudden I was ridiculously busy. Stuff felt out of control. So I slowly began sorting through my list of responsibilities and seeing what I could give up. I found a few things, and it was a huge relief when I announced to those involved that my commitment would be coming to an end.

When you clear up the clutter, you're free to poke your head above the clouds, breathe deeply, and start dreaming again.

I feel like I'm regaining some direction and getting rid of some confusion.

I feel like I'm living my life, and taking time for the people who are important to me...instead of rushing through day after day, going from responsibility to responsibility.

I'm taking risks again. You don't have time to take risks when you're too busy. I doubled my giving to the building fund last week. Todd McMichen is our consultant for the Hope Initiative. In our last meeting he was discussing his family's giving plan. Every year they look at what they gave last year, double it, and then look at what they can sacrifice beyond that to give even more. That blew my mind. After thinking "no freaking way can I do that" for a few days, I realized that I'm ready for a risk.

This is starting to get long and rambly. Suffice it to say that between cleaning up the clutter in my life, and the Bible reading plan I have myself on (read the last blog if you don't know what I'm talking about), I feel like I'm really hearing God's voice again.

I love it.

I promise.

2009-01-26T17:19:00.000-05:00

"Hebrews says people of faith are people who take hold of God's promises." Gerry said that in his sermon Saturday night. I've been praying lately to become a person of deeper faith. I know how dangerous that prayer is, and I'm not sure how ready I am for it, but I've decided to pray it anyway. So when Gerry said that, I decided to do a little research. Ok, actually a lot. I'm going to read the whole Bible in 2009, and record every single one of God's promises for me. Promise (including promises, promised) is mentioned 222 times in the Bible (NIV). I'm sure there will be more promises than that, since none of the six I've recorded so far use that word. This is going to be completely unscientific. In the seven chapters I read today, I already ran into quite a few instances that are open for interpretation. So I'm not going to try to specifically define the promises I'm writing down. I'm just going to ask God for wisdom and revelation, and see what He shows me. This should be interesting.

I tried to find a specific verse that Gerry might have been talking about, but it's really the entire 11th chapter. In my search through Hebrews, I found this verse:
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."
~Hebrews 10:23

Unswervingly. Greek word aklines, meaning without wavering. Wavering is a specific word. It means to move unsteadily, to exhibit indecision, to even tremble or flicker. This is a much smaller, detailed movement than swerving or straying.

We are not to waver at all in holding on to this hope. It often feels like I waver constantly. What does it even look like to be the kind of person who never wavers? It's a faith infused with so much strength and endurance. I want that!

Bradley Hathaway...how does he know?

2009-01-20T23:33:00.000-05:00

Short And Untitled
They say that sometimes You're farther than the moon
And sometimes You're closer than my skin
Indeed, I remember back when You were closer than my skin
Those were the evenings spent alone with You in bliss
Those were the mornings when You awoke me by a gentle kiss
And these are the evenings when I sit alone and wish and reminisce
These are the mornings when I awake to an alarm clock after falling asleep with the hurting thought,
"Why have You forsaken me?"

And then for the next two minutes or so, the music progresses to the most hopeful thing I've ever heard. It might just be what light sounds like. It brings tears to my eyes.

Another One Of Those Nights
So wear and leery and dreary, I feel. Stop this mind from racing all the time.
Restful peace, come hither. Be mine. It was here earlier, but now it's long gone
Out of sight on this restful, sleepless, clogged-up-left-nostril-night.
I remember sleep, and what a comfort it once was, but now all it does is leave me lacking
because even there these thoughts just won't stop yacking.
So I hit the floor, and on bruised knees start banging down your door.
Can't take this anymore
Holy Spirit, manifest Your being, comfort this soul so that I can start singing
of that peaceful feeling that any minute now You'll be bringing.
Grace grows in winter I'm told, but that's not what I want to hear right now, truth be known.
It's You, Father, that I desire, so put out this unholy fire, and set ablaze me anew
with this peace that comes only from You.
Where else can I turn, and what else can I do?
Here I am, Yours.
Here I am, Yours.
Here I am, Yours.

I'd include Celebration Wedding and Silence too, because they're also what I'm feeling. But this is getting long.

Goodnight.

Freedom, self-sufficiency, and repentance.

2009-01-19T22:56:00.000-05:00

Back in June, I wrote one of the weekly devotionals for the church. A lot of people were fasting and praying for God to move during the week that Johannes was ministering, and we wrote 6 weekly devotionals. For some reason I opened the one that I wrote tonight. My first thought was, "I wrote that? It *must* have been the Holy Spirit." I really needed to hear this stuff.

Day 1: Freedom
We are all believing God for incredible things this week. At the foundation of all the miracles we're asking for is freedom. Freedom from our sins, our past, our physical limitations and illnesses. Let's pray together that God would reveal to all of us areas in our lives that need freedom. Often accepting His freedom means giving up excuses, and leaving areas of comfort. Pray that we would have the wisdom and strength to walk in the freedom that He is offering to us.

Day 4: It comes from the Lord
A big struggle in the church today (and in myself) is self-sufficiency. We get so good at doing ministry, walking the walk, on our own strength. It is absolutely vital that we take time to cultivate intimacy with the Lord. If we don't, we will find ourselves dry, out of oil (Matthew 25:1-13), at the worst time. We must always remind ourselves of our desperate need for our Savior. Pray that we would never forget where our strength comes from, and never fail to rely on Him.

On Sunday morning at Simply Desperate, I got down on my knees and repented for (among other things) my self-sufficiency. I hate it more than almost anything. How ironic that this weekend I'll be leading Freedom. I do not at all feel like I have the right to be leading anyone in seeking or celebrating a freedom that I have not been walking in.

Oh Jesus...I am so deeply grateful that when we turn to You, You welcome us back with open arms. I feel like I should have to grovel a little more, and get beaten up for awhile until I am thoroughly absolved of my sin.

So now I'm going to go read passages like Romans 8 and Matthew 25, and let Jesus and His truth fix this mess in my head.

Prayers, as always, are appreciated.

"Look how far you've come"

2009-01-15T18:31:00.000-05:00

I love being around Master's. I don't often think about where I've come from, but when I do it's usually because of something they're going through. I've learned how to love, and accept love deeply. I think that's the biggest difference I could point out.

I'm noticing that lately my focus and perspective has been off. I'm not really sure how to line it up properly. I feel scattered. I'm doing my best to not just grasp for control, but to really order myself.

I don't know. Everything is so weird right now.
....in a rather exciting way.